Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
