so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
