I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
