Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
