good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
