my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
