Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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