i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
