Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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