My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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