The maid of honor just puked.
I looked at my own cervix.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
