it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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