I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
