Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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