I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
