There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
