Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
