I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
