Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
