Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
