She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
