Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
