dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
