what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
