It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
