How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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