The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
