TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
