I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
