just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
