I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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