Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
