No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
