mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
