My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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