I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
