If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
