I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
