and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
