Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
