Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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