You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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