I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
