Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
