I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
