At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
