I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
