Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
