left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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