you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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