I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
