I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize