I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
