i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
