Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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