I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
