I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
