i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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