I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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