Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
