Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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