My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
